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Issue: September Newsletter
It’s not all Rainbows and Fairy Dust

By Hanna
Sometimes in ‘spiritual circles’ there is this idea that once on the path of ‘awakening’ the focus should be on the light and the positive only and that if I focus on the ‘positive’ this is all that will manifest. In my own experience this is not so. Much more light is coming in, yes, and immense positive shifts are happening, yes. Still, ‘dark’ times and muddy patches are to be experienced and to be waded through.

And I love the ‘dark’ – the darkness of the night, the drama of the storm, the winter and the muddiness of the deep dark earth.

It seems so ‘simple’ for me: on Earth there will be shadow where there is light, there are winter months, night, mud, dark thunderstorms, wild elements in all facets and moods; it simply seems part of the ‘deal’ of living on this earth plane – there are not only rainbows, summer-days and sunrays. There is all that, and everything else as well, which makes living here so immensely rich, sweet and beautiful for me! And on my path of emerging and awakening, the purest deeply embodied Self-love emerged out of the muddiest darkest, most horrific place of violent self-loathing – an immensely bright light I bore out of the darkest place inside myself.

About two months ago I allowed myself once again to be dragged into the deep unconsciousness and ‘dark’ spaces of my mind that know only how to speak of the illusions of separation (I am separate, I am alone, I do not belong, I do not matter, …). It’s pitch black in there and once inside the ‘trap’ it seems so dangerously real. I managed to totally forget who I really am, and the option of reaching out for support seemed erased completely from my mind. All that was left was the illusion of painful separation which seemed so real. However, as light and dark always seem to hold hands, this episode also became a story of great empowerment and the sweet, soothing nectar of true remembering ...

In a strange way I am really glad that this time around my episode of ‘mind-insanity’ was so severe, that when I finally managed to pop my head up, out from the deeply confusing sea of illusion and separation … there was such empowering anger, together with the strongest sense I have ever had with this of ‘ENOUGH!!!’ “This is totally and utterly unacceptable, that old wounds or voices of separation are able to take over my whole being like this, causing such pain! I hereby refuse to allow myself to be hijacked like that again!”

The suffering had been so painful that my fierce inner lioness came out (all by herself, surprising me ;-), releasing the loudest, strongest, Self-protective roar, and making so unmistakably clear to me what my priority and my choice is! A loud roar for continuous awareness of spirit inside and outside myself, together with the deepest wish and commitment to live that, every day! A roar for conscious daily remembering and the clearest commitment to stay present with my mind, at all times. The latter seems impossible at first, but I realized it is not entirely impossible, it just calls for ever ongoing practice and a big portion of humour, patience and forgiveness. Yes I have occasionally slipped back into disconnection since, but in a consciously unconscious way, at least watching the voices coming back in, not missing my ‘final call’ of required true presence and spirit-awareness.

The blindness, darkness and suffering of disconnection, so severe this time, that the clarity and commitment to presence and to spirit became clearer than ever before, my big bright light powerfully ‘exploding’ out of my own darkness. What helped me to strengthen this new found commitment to my Truth and Knowing of connection and of spirit inside and outside? Many ‘things’, such as singing, movement and a beautiful ceremony with some brothers and sisters here in Cape Town – a ceremony of song, of plant-presence, of joined prayer, of community, of support, of connection, and of the collective invocation and remembering of the Spirit inside and outside – ever and always present!

The ceremony happened only 1-2 days after me emerging from my traumatizing and draining episode of ‘mind-darkness’. I felt my whole being softening and opening, bathing hungrily in the sacred ‘showers’ of divine connection, earthly community and the healing remembering of my own sacredness and divinity, in connection with all other sacred divinity of living and dying all around in our collective web of co-creation. Oh wow, I cannot imagine a more healing ‘shower’ than this …! The vibrations and sung songs of the ceremony were such sweet, powerful and soothing medicine for my whole being. When coming back home from the ceremony, still with some shock of this challenging episode of ‘mind-insanity’ in my bones, I simply did not stop singing these sacred prayer songs. Literally! – for four days or so, I just kept singing, constantly. I sang while walking to the shops, while driving, while cooking, while living life. The part of me that was scared of being pulled back into my mind-darkness and pain of disconnection needed to ‘hold onto’ that sacred medicine of prayer songs which so powerfully helped me to remember and soothe my entire system! My whole being called for me to keep soaking in the vibration of Truth, of Divinity and of Connection … asking me to keep singing, helping my brain to heal, to remember and to rewire.

What also helped me to ground and manifest these new found depths of commitment to my ‘Real Self’ was me reconnecting to my inner masculine. This was a surprising and profound process: I had not realized that seven years ago, in the middle of severe break-downs and immobilizing illness (due to a long story of unhealthy overdrive and ‘self-abuse’), I had semi-unconsciously ‘fired’ my masculine and sent it away to leave me alone and stop pushing and punishing me – unaware that this had been the acting of my hurt and confused masculine that had taken on all the conditioning of a patriarchal (and German) force of control, competition and strictness. I learned and was deeply touched that he (my inner masculine) is very loving and ready to support me in what it is I wish to achieve. So we re-conciliated, sat and talked together, and I found out that he really wants to and needs to be of service and help me to live my most inner truth, my highest goals and my deepest joy.

… and so I re-employed him to take over the most important job in my life and being right now: to guard and protect my deep sense of Truth, of Connection and of Divinity inside and outside, to watch my mind and my thoughts 24/7, to help me show up everyday with my own commitment to my Self and to my daily practice of prayer, gratitude and connection. And he has been very amazing! I am not surprised because he is one of the most powerful beings I know. Oh just HOW well I know his strength and force, but so far had not ‘clicked’ that he needs very clear direction and guidance as to how and where to apply his immense strength, clarity, presence and total commitment to my path and well-being; and he needs recognition, love and connection. We learned a lot from each other!

After this whole experience I feel clear and empowered. I reached a new level in my commitment to my divinity, my humanness and my light. I also feel very blessed and grateful that I have so many tools and ways to re-member! There is the dance, there is song, prayer, nature, community, ceremony, and such a strong inner masculine support helping me remember to remember ... All together these are the best companions I can imagine to face the slippery temptations of my very strong mind and the parts of it that want to wrap me into the illusions of separation.

When looking back, it is interesting to notice that the levels of disconnection that I am able to construct or give space to inside myself are a mirror of the painful dis-ease of disconnection I see manifested in our world, which personally hurts me so often and so deeply (the insanity we are living out). I love this observation, as it shows me, it is me who holds the key to taking my piece of suffering and illusion out of the collective pie of disconnection. I am empowered, in every single moment, to start healing the insanity of disconnection (in our world today), by staying as present as is possible to my own mind, to my heart, to my body, and by healing and extending compassion to my own insanity.

So here is to embracing my own darkness, once again, and the sparkles and rainbows, the tsunamis and thunderstorms, the light and the dark of connection and disconnection. Here is to embracing all that is part of being a human on this earth, who herself contains everything in her spheres – the pretty rainbows and the beastly killings and everything in between.

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The views expressed here do not necessarily represent the views of the School of Movement Medicine. Roland Wilkinson, Nappers Crossing, Staverton, Devon TQ9 6PD, UK Tel & Fax +44 (0)1803 762255 http://www. schoolofmovementmedicine.com